I know it’s going to come with its ups and its downs as all mourning processes do. But I have such a peace with this one. It’s okay to let go. I’m not angry, I’m not annoyed, I don’t have people telling me how bad of a person you are, I only have this settledness. I do feel the emotions of sad, hurt but most of all drained and I’m going to let me feel those things. I don’t need to explain anything, it’s been said enough. As a matter fact when we evaluate the whole of this, I’m not someone that has to be in your life so if I’m not adding peace and you’re not adding peace then what are we doing? If I add more frustration and stress to you and you’re doing the same but nobody’s growing then it’s okay to let it go.
I realized last night that I am not okay. I’m really not and I am fully okay with it because I know for SURE that I’m going to be okay. God 100% has me, he 100% has you but I am only responsible for me and my heart. So I am going to guard it with all diligence as the issues work itself out through God’s healing virtue. Amen.
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to say I’m tired is most definitely an understatement. I pray no one ever misconstrues this as a need for attention. Truthfully I’m not sure what it is. I can say this I’m tired of feeling pained I inside but wearing happiness outwardly so that everyone else is comfortable.
I’m not okay. I’m not happy, I’m tired and I do NOT want to face the pain that I’ve avoided for a year and a half...but being that no Matter where I run to or who I run to I’m left with the inevitable then I just pray God’s supernatural energy and healing to help me through the process...cause Lord knows, I’m tied. If you know me then you know I’m extremely sensitive and will cry at the drop of any emotion. Sad, grateful, happy, compassionate, loved, no matter what I feel I can usually cry. Lately, I haven’t been able to except when I’m having a total melt down or when I’m worshipping.
Instead of crying I just take each hit with little emotion on my face but my heart slowly but surely responding to my pain. I feel a pain in my heart at least twice a day and I know it isnt a physical heath thing. Technically my heart is doing what it should do...what my tear ducts won’t let me. I realize I truly am grieving and that life has almost given me too much...but not quite. I say not quite because I feel God with me, every single step of the way. Im not at a breaking point at all, I’m at a facing point. Facing the reality that my life the past year and a half has had some grievances and I have not taken the time to process through it AT ALL. Here I am though...With all this pain, with God embracing me, helping me see that I Am going to be okay...but more importantly it is okay to be vulnerable and human. I am not a robot, I have feelings and while at times the pride of generations past and coping efforts try to keep me from feeling God is here to shatter through that and begin to heal me through and through. He’s here. I’m crying and I know I’m safe to open up to Him...because He’s here. I just looked at a small post I wrote at the beginning of this year and I chuckled in amazement at how much this year was similar to last year when it comes to my RESPONSE to things. I really only came here because I realized today I’ve been wanting to tell my experiences...moreso write them because ONLY when I’m writing do I get the best insight. Also, I’m trying to keep track of the grieving process that I’ve been in for the past year and a half.... yes. Year & a half. I’m not going to lie I was inspired by this post I keep seeing everywhere (pictured above)...it’s starting to seem cliché but I realized with this pain in my heart and the whirlwind of life it was time to write about my journey of grieving. This has NEVER been an advice column nor has it been a “look where I’ve arrived” blog. This is my process and everyone differs but sometimes it’s nice to know we’re not alone. Part OneLast summer I had 3 major losses.
One childhood friend who was more like family to my life growing up passed away, then I lost a really good friend through miscommunication and what seemed like betrayal, & in the midst of all of that a job that I’d prayed for and planned to be in for years was proving to not be for me. It was stressful and no matter how I tried it was like I failed at it. If you know me I’m a perfectionist so the idea of failure is tormenting on top of that realizing my mental/physical health and lives were on the line, I had to go. I stepped away from a secure job to secure my mental health. Back to back loss that I tried to address but in the midst of me healing I quickly learned that there was more to come in this process. This thing shook my faith in God & made me question a lot of what I believed. But right now I’ll stop here...I will continue this journey though because I do believe healing is here and it’s coming in me addressing ALL of life’s issues. |
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October 2017
1 Cor. 13:13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love. Categories |