Let's be honest, like most people, I HATE waiting. I want things to happen as I see fit...That's out of my fleshly arrogant selfish ambition though...
Reality is that well...Sometimes God does show us things and He'll tell us some things too but we can't do anything about it. It's crazy. He took me through this humbling process and that's when He reiterated something He told me a while ago. Only this time, I'm not the same Alana that existed a couple months ago or even last year. I am now willing to follow God's voice and yield to my Father more than I am willing to satisfy my fleshly desires. Waiting. It's the HARDEST thing I've yet to do. I was talking to God the other day explaining that "Lord, I don't see any signs or evidence of the very thing you showed me and affirmed to me. I know I hear your voice, I know I'm not crazy and I definitely know you're not a liar." & Almost immediately as I'm laying out my heart to Him, Holy Spirit made it quite evident that He's doing things in His Perfect timing. If I were to see ANY signs of what He showed me right now I would immediately grab hold of it and start trying to take control. When He has this beautiful strategy that He is working on and if I misstep or go out of His order then it could very well be detrimental. Not that He isn't able to fix the things we mess up but sometimes we make things take longer than we have to when we try to walk according to our own desires and will instead of following God's master plan. He's an amazing strategist. He's shown me that before, so I have no choice but to trust in not only what He showed me but trust Him when He says WAIT and BE QUIET! LOL smh Two of the MOST difficult things for Alana...Everyone who really knows me knows that. Be Quiet? What? I didn't even know that existed until God led me to do it recently. Long sigh. Jesus. I want to talk about it with any and everyone but Wisdom, discernment and He says No...not yet. So I wait. I wait not only for what He showed me to come to pass but I wait until He releases me to even speak on it with anyone. I wait. Jesus, It's difficult as HECK but I saw first hand where following my own desires led me and I don't want to end up back in that place again. I'll trust His plan, let go of mine and realize that even though I don't see ANY evidence of this thing happening anytime soon, God has never been and never will be a liar. Shalom.
0 Comments
Nine, the number of "divine completeness or finality" it's funny though because I find myself in the same exact place I was in exactly 9 years ago...Homeless. Yes, it was around this time 9 years ago that we grabbed our necessities from my Father's house and left. There was no plan. Well the plan was to leave for safety, to flee from years of abuse that had finally reached it's boiling point and ran over. So we left, we didn't know where we were going but we left. My mom drove us to a hotel and that's where we stayed for a couple of nights...oddly enough as I'm writing this I realize I actually must've blocked those nights out because I have very little recollection of the details of them...so we were homeless with no where to go because my Mom's family lives over 1000 miles away and there was no one else to go to that could help a family of 5 women out. But somehow a woman that used to work at an elementary school we grew up at and had reconnected with us willingly and selflessly opened up her home to us. So we were still homeless but at least we had a consistent roof over our head. So now I'm at the same place. I'm in between homes right now. I've been bouncing from home to home with people who are kind enough to let me stay with them. I'm homeless with no job and the place I was going to stay In almost got taken away from me too but by the Grace of God it wasn't. 9 years ago around this time we left an abusive place and ended up staying on the East side of Waco and today I find myself homeless on the East Side of San Antonio. It's like I've been put back into a humbled place. Like a restart button was pushed. Only this time I'm not some damaged little girl who's still trying to find herself. I don't have the emotional baggage nor fear of men attached to me. It's like I'm back in a familiar place with a different journey ahead of me this time. 9 years ago. I was broken, I was a "victim" and I spent the next 8.5 years breaking free from the victim mindset, of learning to forgive my father and others, learning to love unconditionally and learning to break free from the walls I had put around myself and my heart. It took 8.5 years. So now it's a new beginning, or familiar ending...I'm in the same place I was in 9 years ago but now I'm actually refreshed. I'm healed, I'm free, I'm focused on My Jesus and His will for my life. So I look forward from this place I'm in..knowing that I'm going to have to push like heck to make it to the place God showed me I was headed to. I'm low. Right now if I'm honest I Am fighting depression but I take Joy in knowing that God is with me and that this time is the LAST time that I will be in this position. I'm pushing towards my ministry, though I see the effects of the storm that is gathering all around me and I see the destruction it is causing I'm pushing. I am DETERMINED. Lord when I am weary you will provide rest but I will still press towards the call that you have for my life. I have to push because what I'm going through is not for the benefit of me, but it is for the benefit of Your kingdom. So Grace, I pray for Grace during this season and I pray that you keep me on people's minds. I know that the only thing that is going to propel me towards my calling, the only thing that will push me beyond the winds of the storm is Your grace and the prayers of others. So if you read this pray for me even if all you say is, "Lord, give her grace", pray for me. A chapter in my life's story is coming to an end and though the setting is similar to the beginning of the chapter, a completely different journey is ahead now...Thank God, whew Thank God! It is impure. It has lost its quality and value in our society because we have taken a God made thing and tried to understand it with our man made logic. LOVE. So many people hate it and fear it. Crazy. Because there is freedom in LOVE.
We have taken a thing of rare and great value and watered it down to our ever changing emotions. Think about it, our moods are constantly changing. We’re happy one moment, irritated the next then we “feel some type of way”. We are NEVER consistent in our emotions. But Love, true Love, is CONSTANT and is always CONSISTENT. It is not about this feeling, it is not an adjective, it is not a noun it is a VERB…it is an Action word (Romans 12:9-12). You have to do it…You don’t feel it. The action of Love can make us feel some things but those feelings are a response to the Action and not the definition of LOVE. Example: You’re walking around outside living life and you get bit by fire ants. That act of those ants biting you hurts and irritates the skin. Your ankle ends up all swollen and hurt...It is an effect caused by the action of those ants biting you. It hurting and irritating perfectly describes what you felt but does not negate the fact that an action had to take place for you to FEEL that way. Love is Submission. Love is the action of putting someone else’s need above your own desires. It is the action of denying SELF. Many of us have problems with love because we have made it a self-centered thing. It’s about how good it can make one feel. True Love won’t always make you FEEL good because you have to deny SELF in order to love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Because God loved us His son was sent to die for us so that we can be saved. His son dying for our sins was LOVE. It was an Action. Think about it, love is actually not natural for us to do when we live according to our flesh. Because the flesh is self-seeking and delights in evil. Often is it rude, boastful and impatient. Ahhh but when we have accepted God’s generous and greatest ACT of LOVE (Christ dying on the cross for our sins) then we are able to be transformed by His love which then in turn causes us to become more like Him. We take up the practice of daily self-denying, which is an attribute of Love. It is an action. Denying self for the benefit of others, for the benefit of pleasing Your Father is not self-seeking *ahem* which makes it LOVE! lol Perhaps, if you have a bad taste in your mouth because of love it is because you have not completely accepted God’s love and allowed it to transform you. Perhaps it is because you have dealt with people who were not mature enough to know that love was not a feeling, nor was it about satisfying its selfish desires but rather an action and that action involves a lot of submission and self-denial. Imagine if you were in a relationship where both of you constantly strive to value one another above yourself (Romans 12:10)…How beautiful that relationship would be. It is not about the butterflies, the heart pounds or the feelings, it is about valuing someone so much that you are patient (action), and you are kind (action), you honor (action) you protect (action) and keep pushing beyond what you feel (persevere if you will) in order to always accomplish the action of Love. |
Archives
October 2017
1 Cor. 13:13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is Love. Categories |